“Out of your vulnerabilities will become your strength.” ~ Sigmund Freud
“At first glance it may appear too hard. Look again. Always look again.” ~ Unknown
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” ~James 1:2-4
I have truly missed my followers and communicating with you over the past few weeks. In Phase 5, I spoke on FEAR and how it can take control of everything and in return you are in a big whirlwind of emotions and pain. With the help and guidance from God, you can and will prevail. Having the Autologous Stem Cell Transplant on March 9th was a piece of cake within itself, but I am currently going through the biggest battle ever. As I always say, I have battled cancer but the war is still not over yet.
After the transplant I was in quarantine for 60 days (30 in hospital and 30 at home) and with this confinement it created even more anxiety for me and no self worth at the time. My body had just gone through a major reset just like a reset on an electronic device. I was at the beginning of a new life, which came with a 2nd birthday to celebrate (March 9th), and a brand new “internal” body. The everyday person would believe that being in remission is a huge accomplishment, and it is do not get me wrong, but to a cancer victim/survivor it is the question of “where do I go from here?”
When I heard the magical and highly anticipated phrase, “you are cancer FREE and officially are in remission” on May 29th I honestly did not know how to feel or respond. I had a lot of mix emotions. My husband, David, was expressing to me my lack of enthusiasm. I told David that I could not become enthusiastic and celebratory when something is amiss. I was still battling an illness: shortness of breath, back and chest pains, and my neck was swollen. I can barely walk up and down the stairs of my home. What happened to my “new” normal? I do not have an ounce of my newness anywhere in my opinion, because I feel worse more than ever.
It upsets David, my family, and my Hematologist/Oncologist that going through my current situation with my lungs and whatever else is hidden in my body is 10x worse and I would rather deal with cancer. No one really knows what I am going through post cancer. Many who have not had cancer think that you should be bouncing back into your old routines and that everything is moving upward and forward. I am here to tell you that I am still fighting everyday for my life and for my life to have true quality. I always have a smile on my face and an optimistic mindset because that keeps me some what sane.
Before, I never questioned God on why He gave me cancer and to be a vessel to reach more people and now I am suffering another chronic illness from the aftermath of cancer. My daddy told me I can ask God for guidance and what way does He want me to go until I reach my ultimate goal of being healed. God will only put the right amount of burdens on us that He knows we have the tools to overcome but my humanistic way becomes sparked and you become tired…… I AM VERY TIRED!
I have discovered over the past few weeks, in order to heal effectively I must center my focus around me which is hard. I am the type of individual who wants to see others succeed and fix their situations, which some elements of being Mrs.Fixit comes from my “Survivor’s Guilt.” I go beyond the call of duty for others because it has been done for me over the past 2 years and I end up excluding myself and care from the equation. I am not able to go and/or do because of my body is not capable to go the way my mind wants to. I also refuse for anyone to stop their life on my account because I understand the true meaning of life, so enjoy every second of it. I have accepted that I am not going to be able to share every life’s moments every time, but when God leaves a small crack of opportunity exposed I will break it down to get a little taste of being “normal.”
I am being very transparent as usual, because I do not wear a #chronicillnesshere t-shirt on my chest everyday this does not mean I am not trying to reach the highest peaks in life; it will just take me some time to get there due to my illness. Life is awesome and my goal everyday is to live it to the fullest! Life is not over until I am lying in a casket or my ashes are being shared with the Earth.
I hope this encourages and brings more closure for someone out there who is surviving, a fallen survivor, and a caregiver. You are not alone, even though, you may feel like you are. There is always someone experiencing the same lyrics of your song