“Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, are the battles you have won, and all the FEARS you have overcome.” — Unknown
FEAR is one the biggest inhibitors in our lives. Fear keeps you from achieving true success and being happy, which everyone deserves. During this phase of my treatment I have to wait a month before I get admitted into the hospital for my Autologous Stem Cell Transplant. I was able to celebrate my 30th birthday in February of 2015 with my family and friends, because I was very worried that I would have been in a hospital room doing the celebrating. The thoughts of fear began in the month of February and worsened until I got admitted into the hospital on March 3rd, since everything that I had anxiety about was becoming reality.
The first fear is insuring that my family and friends have all of the strength in the world that they show me, but a lot of the times they would not allow themselves to have those emotional breakdowns and be vulnerable in front of me. I know I would do the same as well, because I wanted to be strong for my family and friends but I have learned you just need to cry, cuss, and scream to get through this sane. Having those emotional breakdowns is a cleanser for the body and soul, which is healing to the body. Being a caregiver is an awkward “role” to have because they are not going through the same things that you are. The ability to relate at times becomes difficult and it just feeds into the fear, because it makes you doubt yourself, your condition, and makes you feel always misunderstood to where you no longer want to discuss your situation with anyone.
My second fear is relapsing for the 3rd time and dying. As a woman who is strong in my faith “fear of dying” should be omitted from the topic at hand, but I am human. All you can do is pray and continue to pray for the strength to achieve greatness through this whirlwind. I did not want to have gone through all the different procedures and processes (some were very painful) for all of the work to seem like it was in vain. The whole month of February was like running a marathon, because I wanted to make sure that my household was taken care of at all cost.
My last fear is letting go and letting God do His work without interference. I have been in “control” of my personal and professional growth as being the “conductor” of the orchestra. I have to truly trust the process and be obedient to it. The concept of my theme derived from the thoughts mentioned above: God’s Promises- Hebrews 6. Knowing, believing, and living in Hebrews 6 concept helped me overcome my fears and I learned to process every moment carefully to keep me grounded and allow a place of healing.
Having a Chronic Illness, so much runs through your mind such as: am I a burden on others and am I doing every little thing for my family and friends that I can possibly do. Fear can be subconscious and conscious thoughts. I would and still am writing my thoughts to free myself and not allow the FEAR to overpower everything I have worked hard to achieve in healing and besides “God did not give us the spirit of fear but the spirit of power.” God is our “conductor” of the orchestra. He gives us the music sheets, the instruments, and the notes; what are you going to play or will your fear hinder yourself and others from hearing your beautiful music? It is always your choice. What will you chose fear/control or success/healing in and out? I chose success/healing and it can be the most challenging course but the most rewarding at the end. I am a true testimony of this phase, JUST ASK ME!
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”
2 Timothy 1:7
“Stay patient and trust your journey.” — Unknown