The next phase will be based on a holistic approach versus linear. Dealing and having a chronic illness, your whole thought process has to change because you will become your disease.
After I had finished the last treatment, ICE, I began feeling like myself again. Some time had lapsed and the cancer became even more stubborn. I had a new port placed in my chest for my new treatment plan. The port was very painful when the doctors put it in and I was awake during the whole procedure. I definitely do not want to go through that again. The new port will allow for the nurses to retrieve healthy bone marrow cells for my stem cell implant. When they would retrieve the bone marrow I was hooked to a machine similar to a dialysis machine for 4 hours. They pumped me with liters of fluids and I could not use the restroom because the machine was not like your normal IV machine. After collection my case worker would call me to let me know if I had to come back for more collection or if it was enough the first go round. Of course, me being me, it was not enough cells and I would have to repeat this tedious journey again. I never let my true disappointment show on my face. I tried my best to remain positive not for me but for my family and friends. I would feel defeated from all angles. My human thoughts tried to overpower my faith and sometimes it was always a tug-a-war between the two. It is very important that you have a strong faith foundation because the Devil comes in all forms and elements and he will try to weaken you until you become your disease versus being an ambassador of your disease.
Disappointment is the biggest failure in life and those were my thoughts and feelings during that time of my treatment. You begin to become more analytical about your whole life and health plan because things are not going as they were planned or explained. I felt like I was on damage control too because my family and friends, especially my husband, were becoming more frustrated. It had been over a year since my fight began at that time and I knew there was something bigger arising, God. Everyone will not embrace and/or see everything holistically. Some individuals take the linear approach, which can be crippling but our natural way of processing information. The moral of this phase in my process is that everything as a whole is linked together for some reason and everything will not be linear (a,b,c, and etc.). If that was the case life would be boring and there would be no true reason for our existence. Try to be a holistic thinker today instead of linear. There is a time and place for both but go beyond your comfort zone, that is the only way you will truly be healed. The sign of you being healed is when you can read and/or write back on your life and have no sadness or pain, but happiness because you made it!